I Shouldn’t Care … But I Do!

This is a bit of a pointless venting session for me to try to get my thoughts in order, and one that needs a bit of a back story to go with it, so I’ll rewind to when I was 13 as that is the first moment I remember everything in my life changing.

I had just turned onto our street on my walk home from school and I could hear shouting … I just knew that it was my younger brother. I ran to our house to open the door and found him being pinned to the living room wall by his neck by our dad. It turned out that my brother walked in on my dad chatting to other women online and that was the way my dad decided to deal with it.

Over the next couple of years there were lots of fights, shouting, threats and abuse, my brother and I learned to defend ourselves by giving back as good as we got and we hid it all from our mum until it all came crashing down when I was 15. My dad had one of the women that he had been chatting with coming over to the UK from Australia and whilst she was here, my mum found printed pictures of them together in her hotel room (why were they printed? Probably because he liked to show off his conquest to his friends!) and as you can imagine it all kicked off.

Fast forward a bit and he ran off to Australia to be with the new woman (they are no longer together and from what I understand he was violent towards her too) leaving us behind and my mum in a world of his debt – for all the negatives that came from it, we were happier as a three and my mum worked her arse off to be able to provide for us as he never helped in any way. I admire the hell out of my mum, she’s strong, determined and independent … she’s frackin’ awesome and I love her more than I can express.

It’s now nearly 20 years since he left and in that time my brother and I have both moved out, got married and started our own families with very little to no contact from him in that time, yet on the 26th of June, I received a message from my Auntie who had received a message from him. The message received read as follows…

“Hope you are well. Just heard that Deborah has had a baby boy, wasn’t told but I’m the bastard dad. I’m pretty upset at the moment, but I guess deserve that. I’m so glad your family is great, you deserve it girl I wish you all the happiness in the world, I do have a heart of gold, yes I’ve made mistake in life, but I’m hopefully of building bridges, I really miss you and Brian, you always come in my thoughts. I’ve been ill over the weekend and nearly fainted in the doctors, but thats life hey. I’ve tried to contacts us Deb and Simon. I’m really upset. but thats life hey.. I’m so happy for your family it amazes me good luck and you deserve the best xx” and then “can you send me pictues of the new baby”

At first I just shrugged it off but after stewing on it and reading over it again, I’ve started to feel increasingly pissed about it and here is why…

  • He’d just heard that I’d had a baby boy – yes I’ve had a baby boy but where was this message five and a half years ago when I’d had my baby girl? He was informed that I’d had her by his family members and he even ended up with a picture or two of her that he’d pilfered from someones Facebook account. Now I personally think that my daughter is awesome – she’s beautiful, sassy, smart and really caring so where was her message? What makes my son more important than my daughter? Is it because he’s a boy? No matter what, its pure bullshit as they are both his blood and I’m super pissed on her behalf.
  • He wasn’t told – well why would I tell him that I’m having a kid when I’ve not spoken to him in nearly two decades? Why would I have told his family members when they have all treated us as non-existent since he left?
  • He’s the bastard dad – It might sound harsh but, yeah! He was the one who beat his kids, called us names, spat on me, cheated on my mum, left her in a financial shit hole, threatened to force her to sell our house, made sure in the divorce that he would never have my mum see a penny from him including missed child support. It doesn’t stack up to him being dad of the year does it?
  • He has a heart of gold – see above!
  • He has made mistakes in life – damn right, yet my mum taught me that when you make a mistake, you apologise and try to better yourself. He has never once apologised to me, my brother or my mum for how he acted and treated us and I won’t be holding my breath that that will ever change.
  • He has been ill and nearly fainted – I don’t wish ill on the man but I do remember back to previous discussions with us when he first left where he always managed to tell us how he had been ill in some way. He was always a hypochondriac and none of his illnesses were ever proven. It just started to feel like he used the same line to try and garner sympathy. Sadly, my view on this has become tainted and now I struggle to believe or feel sympathy for him.
  • He has tried to contact me and my brother – Absolute crap! I recently received a friend request on Facebook but I don’t class that as trying to make contact. Trying includes effort, a click of a mouse is not effort. He could have sent a message through Facebook, he could have sent a letter to my mums house, he could have probably got a message to me at my address as his family are aware of where I live but no – he clicked a button and called it done.

So why am I letting this get to me now?

I struggled for a long time with abandonment and trust issues and I still find that I’m a little wary around some people now, my experience seems to have changed how I see people as I instantly threat assess them. I also put my hubby through quite a bit of shit at the start of our relationship because of my hang-ups, but over time that dissipated thanks to how my hubby treated me. Thinking on it now, I don’t feel upset like I used to so I don’t feel like this is a resurfacing abandonment issue – I truly feel like I’ve put that behind me, but when I think about it with regards to my kids I start to see red!

I hate that my kids don’t know their grandad as in an ideal world all would be well and they would, but at the same time, he has never chosen to make himself known to them. He has had five years to send a simple birthday or Christmas card for Soph, he’s had five years to send a Facebook message asking about her, yet that was never done. Even if he was around … I don’t and wouldn’t trust him. He was willing and able to hit his children with a fist and because of this I’d never trust him around my kids because he could do the same to them and I’d never forgive myself if that ever happened.

I hate that he has asked for my Auntie to send him pictures of the “new baby” Firstly, he’s putting her in an awkward situation but also, why does he want pictures of him? Why hasn’t he asked for pictures of them both? What does he want to do with them? Will he just flaunt them around making himself out to be Grandad of the year?

I find it all to be bizarre, the timing of it has offended me, the picking and choosing between my kids has angered me, the going through a third-party makes me feel that he’s being sly. Overall, I don’t like it and I think that this makes me feel even more secure in having him out of our lives.

So yeah, a bit of a vent but at the end of it all, I think that I have everything straight in my mind!

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Week Two Gain :(

I’m annoyed to find that I put on .6 of a pound – I know it’s not much but it’s still going the wrong way on the scales and the annoying thing is that I can’t figure out why I gained. I haven’t been eating any worse than normal on the non-fasting days and I’ve been super careful with my calorie allowance on the two fasting days. All I can say is that I’ve felt heavier and more sluggish so maybe I’m gearing up for my first post-pregnancy-period or maybe it’s just that second week blip.

Either way, I’m not happy about it so I will be reassessing what I’m eating, possibly having three days of fasting (as apparently 4:3 is the new 5:2) and hoping to find  bit of time to add some DDP Yoga back into the mix.

Hoping for better next week!

Summer Holiday Fun

Don’t you just hate when you go away and don’t take nearly as many pictures as you planned or hoped to? Normally, I’m crazy snap happy but this time, having an eight week old needing lots of attention and living my life in somewhat restricted four-hour cycles, I didn’t really manage it. I’m a little gutted that I don’t have more memories to look back on but we had a fantastic time together!

So right now, we always go on holiday to Butlins in Skegness. It’s not too far away from home so the kids can handle the journey, it’s by the beach and there are an insane amount of things to do there so Soph is always entertained and has a blast. As Butlins has turned into a sort of family tradition for us, so has me taking a picture on the beach of Soph and her daddy walking down towards the sea. I try to remember to take this picture every time we hit a beach as I find it a cute way to document how she grows. This year Finn is in the mix, not that you can see him, as he’s strapped to his daddies chest in a Baby Bjorn (which he now thinks is the best thing ever by the way!) so now I get to continue on and snap both of my kiddies grow up in this way, which I adore!

We had a fab time this year, we went swimming and took Finn in for his first ever dip too which he seemed to love, watched their Cinderella Rocks panto (which was really well done!), spent a ton of cash in the arcades winning very few prizes on the 2p machines, drank a ton of slushies, had a boogie, hit the beach and ate some lovely food. The time just seemed to melt away though and the week was over before we knew it but we have already booked to head back next year which I’m already counting down for!

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After a few days of chilling at home, Soph, Finn and I took a trip to Matlock Bath with my mum. We love it at Matlock, there are arcades (we emptied the 2p machines of keyrings!), loads of yummy treats in the various sweet shops, a couple of parks to play on, yummy food to munch, loads of motorbikes to look at as it’s a biker haven and some lovely little places to walk around – it’s not for everyone but I’ve been coming here since I was a kid and think I’ll always have a soft spot for it.

We are hoping to get to a couple more places over the school holidays but we will see if we manage it, even if we don’t we’ve had a fab time so far – I’m just really looking forward to Finn being a bit older so that he can join in and so that Soph isn’t so limited to what she can do!

Do you have a favourite place to holiday each year?

Happy summer holidays,

Deb xox

Week 1 Weigh In

Diets have always felt like hard work to me, I’ve always had to be so careful with calories, counting every single thing that I eat and craving everything that the diet doesn’t allow. This time I’ve eaten pretty much anything that I’ve wanted for five days out of the week – and some of those days contained “bad” food as we’ve had day trips out and family visits due to it being the school summer holidays – and I fasted for the other two.

The first fasting day wasn’t super great for me, I found it quite hard to feel so hungry and I did go a little over the 500 calories that were allowed as I ended up feeling sick towards the end of the day. That being said, the fact that I didn’t just stuff my face with everything that I could find (which is something that I normally do if I let myself feel that hungry) was quite a big win for me and I was pleased with how the day turned out.

The second fasting day wasn’t nearly as bad as the first which surprised me as I expected it to be just as bad, if not worse. I managed to stay on target and whilst I did feel hungry, I didn’t have that same sicky feeling which made things easier.

As it was only two days that I was restricting my calorie intake, and as I’ve not actually felt like I’ve been dieting, I wasn’t expecting a loss – especially as I’ve not introduced exercise to the mix yet – so I was pleasantly surprised to find that I’d lost 2lbs this morning! I really don’t feel like I’ve done much of anything to earn those 2lbs so I’m really happy with how this weight loss journey has started and I’m looking forward to seeing what the results can be when I do manage my calories better on the non-fasting days and when I begin exercising too.

So 2 down, 100 to go!

Take care,

Deb xox

Back on the Weight Loss Wagon

So this past weekend, my hubby and I decided that we were going to start trying to lose weight again now that I am feeling (pretty much) back to normal after my pregnancy. We have discussed some of the different options that are out there for weight loss and he pointed out that the most success that he has had previously was on the 5:2 diet. This is a method that has never really appealed to me as I hate feeling hungry – if I feel like I’m hungry whilst dieting, I tend to sulk and then order the biggest pizza deal that Dominos has to offer or I just eat whatever crap I can get my hands on. That being said, Baz did have success last time, so I figured that it’s time to give it a good crack to see if it can be the method for me.

We decided to fast on Tuesdays and Thursdays so today I have limited myself to around 500 calories. I had a pack of Special K biscuits for brunch that came in at 96 calories and then a veggie stir fry for dinner – I’m thinking that this is pretty much going to be the standard fasting day plan for now but I need to do some research into other low-calorie options so that I don’t get bored and dread eating the same thing every fasting day.

Now comes the dreaded bit … the weight.

I weighed in at 241lbs which isn’t ideal but is pretty much what I had expected. I then used the NHS BMI calculator to see where I should be for my age and height. The NHS has stated that for a healthy weight, that I need to aim for a weight between 118lbs and 160lbs. I decided I’d go right for the middle of the two, so I’m aiming for a final weight of 139lbs, which gives me a total weight loss goal of 102lbs! That’s a daunting number to look at but I’m going to give it my best in order to get there.

Here goes…

Wish me luck 🙂

Belated He’s Here Post!!!

So my life has been insanely different these past weeks and whilst at times it has felt a little overwhelming, I’m loving every second! This will probably be a long post as it’s been just over nine weeks since I last posted and we’ve had quite a lot going on. So lets start at the start…

Birth Story!

On the 10th of June I was 3 days overdue and starting to feel more regular, but mild, contractions. I thought nothing much of it until I had just cooked us all our evening meal and my waters broke just as I’d sat down to eat. In my pregnancy with Soph, I didn’t know my waters had broken as they went as I was projectile vomiting in hospital after trying the gas and air (I’m a classy bird!) but this time I felt the most strange bulging sensation and I swear I even heard the pop of them going. I shouted to my hubby that I thought they’d gone and waddled my way to the loo, jeans soaked, not knowing if I should laugh or cry, to check what was going on. Soph had previously done a doo in me so I checked my waters and I found that her brother had took a crap too, so I rang the delivery unit at hospital who wanted me to come in so that they could check me over.

We dropped Soph over to my mums who was able to look after her for us (the woman is a legend!) and made our way up to hospital where I was checked over at around 7pm and admitted to the delivery suite at 7:15pm as there was definitely meconium in my waters. This was it, this baby was coming at some point soon!

When I was put into a room I was given a check to see how dilated I was and at that point I was only 2cm. I was told that they wanted to start my labour off but wanted to check with a doctor on how to proceed so I was hooked up to the monitor to check baby over and left alone for a little while.

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It was at this point that the contractions started to come more regularly and with a bit more force but I found watching them on the readout took my mind off of things a bit. Annoyingly, I was soon taken off of the monitor and told that I would be re-examined at midnight and depending on my progress, put on to an IV drip to speed up my labour.

The pain began to increase quite rapidly a little while later and when the midwife came back to see me at around 10pm I asked what my options were for pain relief. I was told that I’d probably be in labour for quite some time to come and to go without pain relief (diamorphine) for as long as possible as they can only give it me every so often. I spoke with Baz at this point who had pointed out that I’d already managed to make it half way to my next check at midnight, and together we decided that I’d just keep going as long as I could. I could see that he was worried about me though, as with every contraction he was now reminding me to breathe and I was shaking my legs so hard the entire bed was rattling.

I managed another hour but then I had what I thought was the need to push but thought that couldn’t be right as I was expected (and expecting) to be going a lot longer at this point. The feeling didn’t subside so I relented and used the call button. When a different midwife came in (mine was on dinner break) I explained that I felt ready to push and she gave me a quick look over and decided that I was only 8cm so not quite there yet. Within the space of a single contraction she watched me dilate further and at that point it was go time.

When it came time to push I was like a woman possessed, I wasn’t given anything to hold on to so I used the back of the bed and ended up yanking the thing so hard that my arms were screaming for the next few days! I was also really concerned for Baz as I could just hear him breathing really heavily over my left side whilst he was helping brace my leg. I don’t know what the difference was for him this time compared to our last pregnancy, but he really seemed to take this one quite a bit harder and was much more worried about me. Anyways, at 11:13pm our son’s head had crowned and Finnick William was welcomed into the world at 11:14pm with no pain medication and no medical intervention. I ended up with a small tear to my labia which needed stitching and a “moderate” amount of blood loss and Hulk arms but other than that, all was well.

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My first picture with Finn
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A very drained daddy!

They gave Finn a check over and he was perfect, weighing in at 7lbs 4oz like his sister! They popped a red hat on him as he was classed as high risk due to my thyroid and then came time to try to feed him. I really wanted to try and breastfeed again as I didn’t manage it with Soph but frustratingly, it was not meant to be. I couldn’t get him to latch after a good while of trying and neither could the lactation consultant. Due to both of our upset, I began to express into a cup and used a syringe to feed him … just like his sister, with the promise to keep trying to get him on the breast. Sadly, this didn’t happen – it turns out that Finnick has a tongue tie which causes his tongue to not be able to roll correctly in order to feed from the nipple so I decided to express and fed him from a bottle.

We were expecting to be held in hospital for a good couple of days due to monitoring like last time but they turfed me out the next afternoon, just after Soph had arrived for a visit with me and her new little brother. She said that she loved him straight away but she wouldn’t hold him as he was too small and she was scared.

I was later seen back at home by a community midwife who decided to send us to see a lactation specialist as she believed that Finn would need to have his tie cut due to potential speech problems later on. We met with the specialist who explained that he could have his tongue tie cut so that he could feed from the nipple but that there was no proof that the tie would cause him trouble with his speech. I myself have a tongue tie and I’ve never had any problems with speech and as I was expressing well, and he was content with feeding from the bottle, we decided against it especially as the specialist pointed out that getting him back to the nipple could be incredibly hard work and my confidence was already shot from not being able to get him or his sister to latch naturally.

Fast forwards to now and he is totally off of my breast milk which I am somewhat gutted about. The reason for this is that he has been suffering with some awful colic and we have hated seeing him writhing around in so much pain. We were using Infacol which wasn’t seeming to be helping so the community midwife told us to try Dentinox instead. She also explained that he may have a “lactose immaturity” and to try Colief which helps to reduce the amount of lactose in milk. We started using both of these products and after a week or so, things had improved but he was still suffering really badly and all I could think was that it was because of my milk. We then decided to pop him onto comfort formula milk and the change in him was crazy! He still suffers with colic but it is nowhere near what it was like, however, we have found that being on formula milk seemed to back him up, so after reading around tons of forums I decided to add 1/2 an ounce of prune juice to one bottle a day and so far it has helped him pass his poops much easier and he isn’t getting distressed having them build up for a few days at a time.

So yeah, we are currently enjoying lazy days due to it being the summer holidays and trying to get to grips with having two little people who need and want our attention at all times. It has been a challenge at times getting schedules in place for the school run and getting things done around the house but we are slowly but surely getting there. It might be a little chaotic at times, but I wouldn’t change it for the world!

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