I Shouldn’t Care … But I Do!

This is a bit of a pointless venting session for me to try to get my thoughts in order, and one that needs a bit of a back story to go with it, so I’ll rewind to when I was 13 as that is the first moment I remember everything in my life changing.

I had just turned onto our street on my walk home from school and I could hear shouting … I just knew that it was my younger brother. I ran to our house to open the door and found him being pinned to the living room wall by his neck by our dad. It turned out that my brother walked in on my dad chatting to other women online and that was the way my dad decided to deal with it.

Over the next couple of years there were lots of fights, shouting, threats and abuse, my brother and I learned to defend ourselves by giving back as good as we got and we hid it all from our mum until it all came crashing down when I was 15. My dad had one of the women that he had been chatting with coming over to the UK from Australia and whilst she was here, my mum found printed pictures of them together in her hotel room (why were they printed? Probably because he liked to show off his conquest to his friends!) and as you can imagine it all kicked off.

Fast forward a bit and he ran off to Australia to be with the new woman (they are no longer together and from what I understand he was violent towards her too) leaving us behind and my mum in a world of his debt – for all the negatives that came from it, we were happier as a three and my mum worked her arse off to be able to provide for us as he never helped in any way. I admire the hell out of my mum, she’s strong, determined and independent … she’s frackin’ awesome and I love her more than I can express.

It’s now nearly 20 years since he left and in that time my brother and I have both moved out, got married and started our own families with very little to no contact from him in that time, yet on the 26th of June, I received a message from my Auntie who had received a message from him. The message received read as follows…

“Hope you are well. Just heard that Deborah has had a baby boy, wasn’t told but I’m the bastard dad. I’m pretty upset at the moment, but I guess deserve that. I’m so glad your family is great, you deserve it girl I wish you all the happiness in the world, I do have a heart of gold, yes I’ve made mistake in life, but I’m hopefully of building bridges, I really miss you and Brian, you always come in my thoughts. I’ve been ill over the weekend and nearly fainted in the doctors, but thats life hey. I’ve tried to contacts us Deb and Simon. I’m really upset. but thats life hey.. I’m so happy for your family it amazes me good luck and you deserve the best xx” and then “can you send me pictues of the new baby”

At first I just shrugged it off but after stewing on it and reading over it again, I’ve started to feel increasingly pissed about it and here is why…

  • He’d just heard that I’d had a baby boy – yes I’ve had a baby boy but where was this message five and a half years ago when I’d had my baby girl? He was informed that I’d had her by his family members and he even ended up with a picture or two of her that he’d pilfered from someones Facebook account. Now I personally think that my daughter is awesome – she’s beautiful, sassy, smart and really caring so where was her message? What makes my son more important than my daughter? Is it because he’s a boy? No matter what,Β its pure bullshit as they are both his blood and I’m super pissed on her behalf.
  • He wasn’t told – well why would I tell him that I’m having a kid when I’ve not spoken to him in nearly two decades? Why would I have told his family members when they have all treated us as non-existent since he left?
  • He’s the bastard dad – It might sound harsh but, yeah! He was the one who beat his kids, called us names, spat on me, cheated on my mum, left her in a financial shit hole, threatened to force her to sell our house, made sure in the divorce that he would never have my mum see a penny from him including missed child support. It doesn’t stack up to him being dad of the year does it?
  • He has a heart of gold – see above!
  • He has made mistakes in life – damn right, yet my mum taught me that when you make a mistake, you apologise and try to better yourself. He has never once apologised to me, my brother or my mum for how he acted and treated us and I won’t be holding my breath that that will ever change.
  • He has been ill and nearly fainted – I don’t wish ill on the man but I do remember back to previous discussions with us when he first left where he always managed to tell us how he had been ill in some way. He was always a hypochondriac and none of his illnesses were ever proven. It just started to feel like he used the same line to try and garner sympathy. Sadly, my view on this has become tainted and now I struggle to believe or feel sympathy for him.
  • He has tried to contact me and my brother – Absolute crap! I recently received a friend request on Facebook but I don’t class that as trying to make contact. Trying includes effort, a click of a mouse is not effort. He could have sent a message through Facebook, he could have sent a letter to my mums house, he could have probably got a message to me at my address as his family are aware of where I live but no – he clicked a button and called it done.

So why am I letting this get to me now?

I struggled for a long time with abandonment and trust issues and I still find that I’m a little wary around some people now, my experience seems to have changed how I see people as I instantly threat assess them. I also put my hubby through quite a bit of shit at the start of our relationship because of my hang-ups, but over time that dissipated thanks to how my hubby treated me. Thinking on it now, I don’t feel upset like I used to so I don’t feel like this is a resurfacing abandonment issue – I truly feel like I’ve put that behind me, but when I think about it with regards to my kids I start to see red!

I hate that my kids don’t know their grandad as in an ideal world all would be well and they would, but at the same time, he has never chosen to make himself known to them. He has had five years to send a simple birthday or Christmas card for Soph, he’s had five years to send a Facebook message asking about her, yet that was never done. Even if he was around … I don’t and wouldn’t trust him. He was willing and able to hit his children with a fist and because of this I’d never trust him around my kids because he could do the same to them and I’d never forgive myself if that ever happened.

I hate that he has asked for my Auntie to send him pictures of the “new baby” Firstly, he’s putting her in an awkward situation but also, why does he want pictures of him? Why hasn’t he asked for pictures of them both? What does he want to do with them? Will he just flaunt them around making himself out to be Grandad of the year?

I find it all to be bizarre, the timing of it has offended me, the picking and choosing between my kids has angered me, the going through a third-party makes me feel that he’s being sly. Overall, I don’t like it and I think that this makes me feel even more secure in having him out of our lives.

So yeah, a bit of a vent but at the end of it all, I think that I have everything straight in my mind!

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