Random + Family + Me + Weight Loss = A Mess of A Post

So lets start with the random…

The hubby and I have been talking lately.

I have decided now, after thinking back over my pregnancy and labour (which I’m now convinced really wasn’t that bad at all) that I wouldn’t have minded having another go around if it was possible. If you’ve read my earlier posts you’ll know that we have struggled to conceive along the way but we have managed it and have been incredibly lucky to welcome two beautiful kids into our lives and family. This is two more than we thought we’d have at one point so for me to want more makes me feel incredibly greedy but I love my kids and would love nothing more than to have even more.

My hubby, on the other hand, doesn’t agree. He’s not really a fan of this “baby stage” where they have to depend on you for every single thing in their lives. He enjoys it when the personality starts to shine through and when they can hold a conversation and I guess, be a real person rather than a lump of flesh that cries, coos, drinks and poops.

I also know that he HATES the broken sleep and this is where we actually agree, even though Finn has been quite a good night sleeper and we could have definitely had it much worse!

So what do you do when you don’t agree on having more kids? Well we chatted through it and ended up thinking that we would really like to adopt later on in life when our kids are old enough to understand what adoption is and why we would like to do it and in the meantime … doggies! Not for a while as its hectic enough around here as it is, but later on down the line we would like to bring some four-legged companions into the mix.

Then the problem will be what dogs to get! I’m a fan of breeds like Great Danes, St. Bernards and Dogues de Bordeaux whereas Baz likes English Bull Terriers and Weimaraners. The problem with any of these breeds though, is that Baz has allergies and none of them are hypoallergenic dogs so he either opts for a breed that will be kinder to him, or gets any dog he falls in love with and suffers the consequence! But again, this is all for a later time.

On to the family…

Well Soph has come home from school today missing another tooth … And she then lost it … In the dinner hall! The tooth next to this one is wobbling too and I’m hoping so hard that she loses it before school photos come around on the 10th of next month. I reallllly want a picture of her with a huge happy-gappy grin so fingers crossed it will fall out soon!

Then on to me…

I have started going to college now one night a week to resit my GCSE Maths. I was so nervous about this as I’ve not studied in 18 years, I have zero self-confidence and I don’t do well with new people. That being said, right now I’m enjoying it!

The studying is coming as a bit of a break for me – I now get two and a half hours of “me time” a week and I have to admit, I love it. I mean I constantly worry about the hubby and kids when I’m out, but just doing something for me has proven to be quite freeing. It’s also given my confidence a boost, as right now, I understand what’s happening in class and I can do it, which is nice.

It also has me thinking “what’s next?” And questioning where I want to end up in the future. I’ve always thought that I’m not capable of much, but right now I think that I may want to go on to study a couple of A-levels and maybe even a degree so that I can possibly go into teaching later.

It also gives me a 2.7ish mile walk home which is helping with the weight loss which is the perfect segue too…

The weight loss…

So I weighed in this morning to find that I’d lost 2.2lbs! This shocked me as I felt like I’d eaten terribly throughout the week and I’ve actually felt sluggish and heavier in myself so to lose 2.2 is an excellent result for me this week. With that weight gone I’m so close to the half stone mark and I’m very excited to get there! Fingers crossed that will be done with next week and I can be firmly on the way to the stone mark!

So yeah, it’s a bit of a mash of stuff but that’s me all caught up for now. I will get better at posting regularly … I will! … Well I might … We’ll see 😕

Take care,

Deb xox

Hi-ho hi-ho…

It’s back to school she goes!

This six weeks holiday has been a bit of a dud for Soph. We managed that first week away but after that, we pretty much functioned around Finn.

As he’s been so bad with his gut – like screaming the fucking house down, our nerves are frazzled and tears have been cried kind of bad – we’ve felt quite restricted as to what we can do and how far we can go as we didn’t want him to suffer whilst we were out and about. That being said, we think we have him sorted now as he’s not seeming to struggle so much after a feed.

Milk and prune juice for breakfast 🤢

So after all the hanging around home and doting on her screeching little brother, I think that she was ready to get a break and a bit of time for herself back at school.

Soph has always loved school, she really enjoys learning new things and she has missed some of her friends and classmates so she was definitely keen to get back for the new year.

This year she started “real” school as she’s now in year one and for some reason that makes her seem so much more grown up! She came home with a brand spanking new reading diary, plenty of stories of what had happened that day and a massive smile on her face.

So excited for school!

Right now when you ask her what she wants to be when she grows up she will tell you that she wants to be a “stage girl”. Shes been obsessed since watching Annie and she’s always singing and dancing around the house.

As if someone was listening to her, we received a leaflet through the door about a theatre school called Razzamataz. They do all sorts of singing, dancing and theatre classes and they are having an open evening next week which I’ve booked her into.

I really hope that she enjoys it and if she does, I’ll get her booked into the class as I think it will be great for her. Learning new skills, gaining confidence, performance experience and making new friends is only going to help her as she grows and if she decides that she does want to pursue a career in the theatre when she’s older, I’ll do whatever I can to help her reach her goals and make her dreams come true.

I wonder what Finn will say he wants to be when he’s five?!?!

Sister and brother loves 😍🥰

I Shouldn’t Care … But I Do!

This is a bit of a pointless venting session for me to try to get my thoughts in order, and one that needs a bit of a back story to go with it, so I’ll rewind to when I was 13 as that is the first moment I remember everything in my life changing.

I had just turned onto our street on my walk home from school and I could hear shouting … I just knew that it was my younger brother. I ran to our house to open the door and found him being pinned to the living room wall by his neck by our dad. It turned out that my brother walked in on my dad chatting to other women online and that was the way my dad decided to deal with it.

Over the next couple of years there were lots of fights, shouting, threats and abuse, my brother and I learned to defend ourselves by giving back as good as we got and we hid it all from our mum until it all came crashing down when I was 15. My dad had one of the women that he had been chatting with coming over to the UK from Australia and whilst she was here, my mum found printed pictures of them together in her hotel room (why were they printed? Probably because he liked to show off his conquest to his friends!) and as you can imagine it all kicked off.

Fast forward a bit and he ran off to Australia to be with the new woman (they are no longer together and from what I understand he was violent towards her too) leaving us behind and my mum in a world of his debt – for all the negatives that came from it, we were happier as a three and my mum worked her arse off to be able to provide for us as he never helped in any way. I admire the hell out of my mum, she’s strong, determined and independent … she’s frackin’ awesome and I love her more than I can express.

It’s now nearly 20 years since he left and in that time my brother and I have both moved out, got married and started our own families with very little to no contact from him in that time, yet on the 26th of June, I received a message from my Auntie who had received a message from him. The message received read as follows…

“Hope you are well. Just heard that Deborah has had a baby boy, wasn’t told but I’m the bastard dad. I’m pretty upset at the moment, but I guess deserve that. I’m so glad your family is great, you deserve it girl I wish you all the happiness in the world, I do have a heart of gold, yes I’ve made mistake in life, but I’m hopefully of building bridges, I really miss you and Brian, you always come in my thoughts. I’ve been ill over the weekend and nearly fainted in the doctors, but thats life hey. I’ve tried to contacts us Deb and Simon. I’m really upset. but thats life hey.. I’m so happy for your family it amazes me good luck and you deserve the best xx” and then “can you send me pictues of the new baby”

At first I just shrugged it off but after stewing on it and reading over it again, I’ve started to feel increasingly pissed about it and here is why…

  • He’d just heard that I’d had a baby boy – yes I’ve had a baby boy but where was this message five and a half years ago when I’d had my baby girl? He was informed that I’d had her by his family members and he even ended up with a picture or two of her that he’d pilfered from someones Facebook account. Now I personally think that my daughter is awesome – she’s beautiful, sassy, smart and really caring so where was her message? What makes my son more important than my daughter? Is it because he’s a boy? No matter what, its pure bullshit as they are both his blood and I’m super pissed on her behalf.
  • He wasn’t told – well why would I tell him that I’m having a kid when I’ve not spoken to him in nearly two decades? Why would I have told his family members when they have all treated us as non-existent since he left?
  • He’s the bastard dad – It might sound harsh but, yeah! He was the one who beat his kids, called us names, spat on me, cheated on my mum, left her in a financial shit hole, threatened to force her to sell our house, made sure in the divorce that he would never have my mum see a penny from him including missed child support. It doesn’t stack up to him being dad of the year does it?
  • He has a heart of gold – see above!
  • He has made mistakes in life – damn right, yet my mum taught me that when you make a mistake, you apologise and try to better yourself. He has never once apologised to me, my brother or my mum for how he acted and treated us and I won’t be holding my breath that that will ever change.
  • He has been ill and nearly fainted – I don’t wish ill on the man but I do remember back to previous discussions with us when he first left where he always managed to tell us how he had been ill in some way. He was always a hypochondriac and none of his illnesses were ever proven. It just started to feel like he used the same line to try and garner sympathy. Sadly, my view on this has become tainted and now I struggle to believe or feel sympathy for him.
  • He has tried to contact me and my brother – Absolute crap! I recently received a friend request on Facebook but I don’t class that as trying to make contact. Trying includes effort, a click of a mouse is not effort. He could have sent a message through Facebook, he could have sent a letter to my mums house, he could have probably got a message to me at my address as his family are aware of where I live but no – he clicked a button and called it done.

So why am I letting this get to me now?

I struggled for a long time with abandonment and trust issues and I still find that I’m a little wary around some people now, my experience seems to have changed how I see people as I instantly threat assess them. I also put my hubby through quite a bit of shit at the start of our relationship because of my hang-ups, but over time that dissipated thanks to how my hubby treated me. Thinking on it now, I don’t feel upset like I used to so I don’t feel like this is a resurfacing abandonment issue – I truly feel like I’ve put that behind me, but when I think about it with regards to my kids I start to see red!

I hate that my kids don’t know their grandad as in an ideal world all would be well and they would, but at the same time, he has never chosen to make himself known to them. He has had five years to send a simple birthday or Christmas card for Soph, he’s had five years to send a Facebook message asking about her, yet that was never done. Even if he was around … I don’t and wouldn’t trust him. He was willing and able to hit his children with a fist and because of this I’d never trust him around my kids because he could do the same to them and I’d never forgive myself if that ever happened.

I hate that he has asked for my Auntie to send him pictures of the “new baby” Firstly, he’s putting her in an awkward situation but also, why does he want pictures of him? Why hasn’t he asked for pictures of them both? What does he want to do with them? Will he just flaunt them around making himself out to be Grandad of the year?

I find it all to be bizarre, the timing of it has offended me, the picking and choosing between my kids has angered me, the going through a third-party makes me feel that he’s being sly. Overall, I don’t like it and I think that this makes me feel even more secure in having him out of our lives.

So yeah, a bit of a vent but at the end of it all, I think that I have everything straight in my mind!

Summer Holiday Fun

Don’t you just hate when you go away and don’t take nearly as many pictures as you planned or hoped to? Normally, I’m crazy snap happy but this time, having an eight week old needing lots of attention and living my life in somewhat restricted four-hour cycles, I didn’t really manage it. I’m a little gutted that I don’t have more memories to look back on but we had a fantastic time together!

So right now, we always go on holiday to Butlins in Skegness. It’s not too far away from home so the kids can handle the journey, it’s by the beach and there are an insane amount of things to do there so Soph is always entertained and has a blast. As Butlins has turned into a sort of family tradition for us, so has me taking a picture on the beach of Soph and her daddy walking down towards the sea. I try to remember to take this picture every time we hit a beach as I find it a cute way to document how she grows. This year Finn is in the mix, not that you can see him, as he’s strapped to his daddies chest in a Baby Bjorn (which he now thinks is the best thing ever by the way!) so now I get to continue on and snap both of my kiddies grow up in this way, which I adore!

We had a fab time this year, we went swimming and took Finn in for his first ever dip too which he seemed to love, watched their Cinderella Rocks panto (which was really well done!), spent a ton of cash in the arcades winning very few prizes on the 2p machines, drank a ton of slushies, had a boogie, hit the beach and ate some lovely food. The time just seemed to melt away though and the week was over before we knew it but we have already booked to head back next year which I’m already counting down for!

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After a few days of chilling at home, Soph, Finn and I took a trip to Matlock Bath with my mum. We love it at Matlock, there are arcades (we emptied the 2p machines of keyrings!), loads of yummy treats in the various sweet shops, a couple of parks to play on, yummy food to munch, loads of motorbikes to look at as it’s a biker haven and some lovely little places to walk around – it’s not for everyone but I’ve been coming here since I was a kid and think I’ll always have a soft spot for it.

We are hoping to get to a couple more places over the school holidays but we will see if we manage it, even if we don’t we’ve had a fab time so far – I’m just really looking forward to Finn being a bit older so that he can join in and so that Soph isn’t so limited to what she can do!

Do you have a favourite place to holiday each year?

Happy summer holidays,

Deb xox

Belated He’s Here Post!!!

So my life has been insanely different these past weeks and whilst at times it has felt a little overwhelming, I’m loving every second! This will probably be a long post as it’s been just over nine weeks since I last posted and we’ve had quite a lot going on. So lets start at the start…

Birth Story!

On the 10th of June I was 3 days overdue and starting to feel more regular, but mild, contractions. I thought nothing much of it until I had just cooked us all our evening meal and my waters broke just as I’d sat down to eat. In my pregnancy with Soph, I didn’t know my waters had broken as they went as I was projectile vomiting in hospital after trying the gas and air (I’m a classy bird!) but this time I felt the most strange bulging sensation and I swear I even heard the pop of them going. I shouted to my hubby that I thought they’d gone and waddled my way to the loo, jeans soaked, not knowing if I should laugh or cry, to check what was going on. Soph had previously done a doo in me so I checked my waters and I found that her brother had took a crap too, so I rang the delivery unit at hospital who wanted me to come in so that they could check me over.

We dropped Soph over to my mums who was able to look after her for us (the woman is a legend!) and made our way up to hospital where I was checked over at around 7pm and admitted to the delivery suite at 7:15pm as there was definitely meconium in my waters. This was it, this baby was coming at some point soon!

When I was put into a room I was given a check to see how dilated I was and at that point I was only 2cm. I was told that they wanted to start my labour off but wanted to check with a doctor on how to proceed so I was hooked up to the monitor to check baby over and left alone for a little while.

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It was at this point that the contractions started to come more regularly and with a bit more force but I found watching them on the readout took my mind off of things a bit. Annoyingly, I was soon taken off of the monitor and told that I would be re-examined at midnight and depending on my progress, put on to an IV drip to speed up my labour.

The pain began to increase quite rapidly a little while later and when the midwife came back to see me at around 10pm I asked what my options were for pain relief. I was told that I’d probably be in labour for quite some time to come and to go without pain relief (diamorphine) for as long as possible as they can only give it me every so often. I spoke with Baz at this point who had pointed out that I’d already managed to make it half way to my next check at midnight, and together we decided that I’d just keep going as long as I could. I could see that he was worried about me though, as with every contraction he was now reminding me to breathe and I was shaking my legs so hard the entire bed was rattling.

I managed another hour but then I had what I thought was the need to push but thought that couldn’t be right as I was expected (and expecting) to be going a lot longer at this point. The feeling didn’t subside so I relented and used the call button. When a different midwife came in (mine was on dinner break) I explained that I felt ready to push and she gave me a quick look over and decided that I was only 8cm so not quite there yet. Within the space of a single contraction she watched me dilate further and at that point it was go time.

When it came time to push I was like a woman possessed, I wasn’t given anything to hold on to so I used the back of the bed and ended up yanking the thing so hard that my arms were screaming for the next few days! I was also really concerned for Baz as I could just hear him breathing really heavily over my left side whilst he was helping brace my leg. I don’t know what the difference was for him this time compared to our last pregnancy, but he really seemed to take this one quite a bit harder and was much more worried about me. Anyways, at 11:13pm our son’s head had crowned and Finnick William was welcomed into the world at 11:14pm with no pain medication and no medical intervention. I ended up with a small tear to my labia which needed stitching and a “moderate” amount of blood loss and Hulk arms but other than that, all was well.

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My first picture with Finn
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A very drained daddy!

They gave Finn a check over and he was perfect, weighing in at 7lbs 4oz like his sister! They popped a red hat on him as he was classed as high risk due to my thyroid and then came time to try to feed him. I really wanted to try and breastfeed again as I didn’t manage it with Soph but frustratingly, it was not meant to be. I couldn’t get him to latch after a good while of trying and neither could the lactation consultant. Due to both of our upset, I began to express into a cup and used a syringe to feed him … just like his sister, with the promise to keep trying to get him on the breast. Sadly, this didn’t happen – it turns out that Finnick has a tongue tie which causes his tongue to not be able to roll correctly in order to feed from the nipple so I decided to express and fed him from a bottle.

We were expecting to be held in hospital for a good couple of days due to monitoring like last time but they turfed me out the next afternoon, just after Soph had arrived for a visit with me and her new little brother. She said that she loved him straight away but she wouldn’t hold him as he was too small and she was scared.

I was later seen back at home by a community midwife who decided to send us to see a lactation specialist as she believed that Finn would need to have his tie cut due to potential speech problems later on. We met with the specialist who explained that he could have his tongue tie cut so that he could feed from the nipple but that there was no proof that the tie would cause him trouble with his speech. I myself have a tongue tie and I’ve never had any problems with speech and as I was expressing well, and he was content with feeding from the bottle, we decided against it especially as the specialist pointed out that getting him back to the nipple could be incredibly hard work and my confidence was already shot from not being able to get him or his sister to latch naturally.

Fast forwards to now and he is totally off of my breast milk which I am somewhat gutted about. The reason for this is that he has been suffering with some awful colic and we have hated seeing him writhing around in so much pain. We were using Infacol which wasn’t seeming to be helping so the community midwife told us to try Dentinox instead. She also explained that he may have a “lactose immaturity” and to try Colief which helps to reduce the amount of lactose in milk. We started using both of these products and after a week or so, things had improved but he was still suffering really badly and all I could think was that it was because of my milk. We then decided to pop him onto comfort formula milk and the change in him was crazy! He still suffers with colic but it is nowhere near what it was like, however, we have found that being on formula milk seemed to back him up, so after reading around tons of forums I decided to add 1/2 an ounce of prune juice to one bottle a day and so far it has helped him pass his poops much easier and he isn’t getting distressed having them build up for a few days at a time.

So yeah, we are currently enjoying lazy days due to it being the summer holidays and trying to get to grips with having two little people who need and want our attention at all times. It has been a challenge at times getting schedules in place for the school run and getting things done around the house but we are slowly but surely getting there. It might be a little chaotic at times, but I wouldn’t change it for the world!

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Post-Weekend Catch Up

This weekend we finally made it to my in-laws house. There was no snow to contend with and everything was going as planned however, in the run up to Sunday, Soph got a bit sick. Now when I say a bit sick I mean she projectile vomited all over the kitchen floor after saying her tummy hurt. I then proceeded to rush her to the bathroom when she decided that she was done and put the lid down only to then chuck up all over it, the floor and the wall. This kid has shit aim … unless she was aiming for everything in sight – if she was then she totally nailed it!

Soph still isn’t back to her normal bubbly self so we are keeping an eye on her and booking her on to see a doctor if she doesn’t improve but right now, with the symptoms she’s displaying, we think she has some constipation going on. I feel awful for her, I hate when she’s not her normal happy, chatty self and she’s had one thing after another what with colds, chicken pox and now this. She feels so sorry for herself and I totally get it!

In lighter news, we have had to do a little craft project for Easter at school. The task was to hard boil an egg and decorate it to whatever theme you like. Soph decided to go for a Frozen theme and this is what she ended up with…

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As she is only 5 she hasn’t quite got the hang of plaits yet so I did the hair and I cut the plastic bottles to make the body shape but she did pretty much everything else herself so she was quite chuffed with the result.

I do love the craft projects at school but at the same time they, or really some of the other parents, drive me insane when they come about. Sorry, there’s a mum moan coming! I hate when parents say they can’t be bothered to do the craft task with their kids as they aren’t crafty themselves, I hate that when we go in to present these things with the kids that there are always a couple (and usually the same couple) of kids who have no crafty make to show to the class, I hate looking at their upset little faces when they realise that they can’t join in with their friends and show off their own project, I hate that parents can’t take half a fucking hour to make something, even if it is the shittiest something you ever did see, with their kid so that they can at least contribute SOMETHING to the day. I hate parents that don’t try in the slightest …. grrrrrr!

Sorry rant over!

Other than the crafting and visiting family, Soph and I have been writing more letters to our new pen pals and sending more postcards to random people around the globe. I’m waiting until we start to receive things back now before posting on that subject again but I will just say that the little sticky flowers that I bought Soph for keeping track of where our postcards were sent from arrived today and that has just made her all the more excited to get started. Hopefully we will be getting something through soon enough 🙂

Right, well time is a tickin’ and The Walking Dead awaits. Do you watch it? What do you think to this season?

Take care,

Deb xox

The Beast from the East Returns

We have had a bit more snow over the weekend thanks to “The Beast from the East” and today school is closed (us Brits don’t handle snow too well!) so Soph and I are sat on the couch snuggling and watching her favourite YouTube videos of other kids playing with toys – why she likes this I have NO idea as that kid has buckets of toys to play with but there just seems to be something about watching other people play that draws her right in!

Daddy Baz is also working from home today so he’s set himself up in the kitchen out of the way so that we don’t put him off. It is nice having everyone at home even though we aren’t all doing things together, it’s just nice being under the same roof … and these pregnancy hormones are turning me into a sappy fool who see’s pretty love hearts and flowers everywhere she goes … GAG!

Urggggh anyways, not much has been happening around here. We were supposed to be going out yesterday and seeing family but the snow has caused the roads to be iced over to the point where Baz thought it wasn’t really worth the trip so that’s been pushed back a week. We did end up in the garden having a snowball fight though which Soph really enjoyed.

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The only problem with the snowball fight was that it was 2vs1 … me being the one and I ended up with snow everywhere! These two are bloody vicious!

Other than that, I’m in that waiting-for-post limbo now so I keep looking through the Facebook groups that I’ve joined for new pen pals as I seem to have developed an addiction for writing once again. I think I have sent seven letters so far and I believe that I have two people writing to me first but I still feel the need to find more.

So I guess my question for today would be … do you write to pen pals and if so, where do you find them? I’d love to have even more places to search!

Stay warm (if it’s cold wherever you are!)

Deb xox

A Long Overdue Catch Up

So it’s been about 97 days since my last post and I think it is definitely time for a catch up! It has been a crazy and, at times, hard 97 days filled with kid’s birthday parties, chickenpox, school runs, school-run-mum drama, plenty of tv watching and cinema trips, general day-to-day life experiences and complete and utter shock but overall it’s been pretty damn good!

So where to start?

Well the one year gym membership is over and at this time has not been renewed. I’m hoping that we will renew or maybe find a new gym or some other way to exercise together later but right now I’ve been struggling with my knee (I’ve somehow managed to bruise the inside of it and the doctor I saw said he doesn’t understand how I’ve managed it – he also had no way of fixing it and didn’t want to refer me. The problem resolved itself after a few weeks of me hobbling around but has since come back a number of times. I’ve now found that if I stretch my knee in a certain way that I can seem to reverse the pain of it, so that’s where I’m at with that right now!) and have found that we weren’t going so rather than waste money, we’ve called it quits for a bit. I enjoyed going to the gym but found that the one we attended didn’t want to get too involved with helping you make or hit targets, we’d never been given a plan to workout by and when we asked about diets, we were given a speech on how the government is causing us cancer and the only thing we should do is go vegan with protein shakes added in. I’ll admit, I have looked into trying a vegan lifestyle in the past but right now I don’t think I’d manage it … it may be something that I come back to in the future but if you have or know of any decent vegan recipes then please feel free to send them my way so i can give them a go!

The worst thing we’ve had to go through is Soph getting the Chickenpox.

It has been doing the rounds at school and we knew that it was coming but it’s a bugger nonetheless! We got a text from one of the school mums saying that her daughter’s birthday party was cancelled this weekend as she has developed Chickenpox and the very next day, Soph woke up with two fluid filled spots on her head. We were thinking that we may have been lucky and that she’d be one of the people who is lucky enough to just have a few spots but by the next morning she had a good covering of them! They were in her ears, around her eyes, in her mouth and in her more intimate areas – the poor kid was miserable and I felt awful for her! We have been popping her in bicarb baths after reading that it helps with itching and I can honestly say that she has not itched once on her body, her head is a different matter but she’s doing well at not scratching. They are mostly scabbed over now so it won’t be much longer until she’s back at school and she’s really looking forward to that, especially as World Book Day has been pushed back due to the snow and this kid loves having a reason to dress up!

The cutest thing that we’ve experienced is Sophie-Anne’s Christmas play. She was a hen and she totally nailed all of the songs and dances, she got her lines out really clearly and she helped her friends remember their cues … it was adorable and she has since decided that she wants to be on stage when she’s older. She’s five so I know that this dream of hers will probably change a million and one times but I’m good with it!

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Soph as a hen in her school play!

The most celebrated thing that we experienced was Soph turning 5! She had a blast with a party at her favourite soft play centre and she invited twenty of her school friends to join her. Every year the hubby and I buy her presents between us but we have started to buy her an individual present from each of us to make it a little extra special. This year she got a new Ted Baker dress from her daddy as she loves to twirl in pretty dresses and her first ring from Pandora from me as she admires my diamond engagement ring and told me she’d like one the same as she likes to match me (melt my heart kid! Melt. My. Heart!) so whilst I wouldn’t buy her a ring quite like mine, I did find her one that had a “diamond” in a cute heart setting that she seems quite taken with so I’ll class that as a win!

The most unbelievable and amazing thing to happen is that we found out that I am pregnant!!!!!!

As I mentioned in a previous post, my cycles had always been all over the place but they had started to become more regular since we hit the gym and lost a bit of weight. Well, my now somewhat regular period didn’t come so I figured I’d take a test just to check. I got a cheapie from Poundland and was insanely shocked to find that there were two lines on that sucker. As it was just a cheapie I decided that it wasn’t going to be as reliable as other makes, so I got myself a Tesco one and that came up positive too. My hubby didn’t want to let himself believe it so we then moved on to a Clearblue digital and that came up positive, then my mum wanted me to check again so she got me a First Response test, and that too was a positive … and a strong one at that!

I had been having some abdominal pains for a while (another thing being looked into with a doctor where no reasons were found) and they decided to send me up to the EPU for a scan. I was nervous as anything and truly terrified when the lady before me had to be ushered into a “quiet room” after her scan had not shown positive things – I felt so sad for her and can’t imagine how it must feel to see your baby on a screen to only be told that you’ll never be able to hold them! It was then my turn and after a quick external scan they found this…

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Our little dot!

I was told that I was 6 weeks and a day pregnant and sent on my way with smiles and congratulations all around. Even seeing this little dot, I still couldn’t get my head around the fact that I was pregnant, all I could think was how the doctor said it wouldn’t happen on its own. I felt like it was some kind of joke and even though I was happy, I found it really hard to show it as I kept thinking that I’d be told that they were wrong and this baby would be snatched away from me.

Fast forward a few more weeks and I met with my midwife where I still couldn’t believe that this was happening. I got referred on for my 12 week scan and then felt like I’d been smacked in the face when this little baby … OUR little baby, was shown up on screen.

 

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My hubby couldn’t attend this scan as it was his last day of work for his old employer but my mum came with me. I’m so glad that I got to share that with her as her face was a picture, especially when they showed us a view of just their little feet – I think that was the moment that I let myself fall in love with this child. So the dot had grown into a baby and I finally found myself believing in what I was seeing and being told. I felt so lucky and excited and still do at this point now. I’ve since been for my 20 week scan with my hubby and daughter and everyone was thrilled to see our new addition doing well.

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When asked what she’d like the baby to be, Soph decided on a girl to which the technician replied “uhhhh ohhhh”. So it would appear that we are having a boy and whilst it’s not what Soph decided on, she (and we) are more than happy with the result.

I’m currently 26+6 days pregnant and our due date is June 7th 2018 and I cannot wait for that day to come so that our family of three can become an awesome foursome!

So yeah, that’s pretty much the main things that have happened in my 97 day absence. I’m hoping not to leave it so long between posts but we will see how that goes! now it’s time to catch up with the posts that I’ve missed!

Thanks for reading,

Have a good one!

Deb xox

 

The Holiday is Over…

and I feel like we need another to get over this one!

It was manic, it never felt like we sat still, it was exhausting at times and yet it was absolutely brilliant.

We headed over to Butlins in Skegness for a week and though it rained every day, we never got caught in it. We spent times on the fair, went into Skegness where we ate doughnuts and ice cream by the sea – which is a tradition in our family, we walked into Ingoldmells where Sophie-Anne got to hold an owl called Wheezy, we went swimming, queued for an insanely long time to go and see Stephen Mulhern in his variety and magic show (totally worth it unless you ask my hubby who will say not so much but he’s not a fan so his vote doesn’t count here – it was great fun) we ate tons of junk, flew a kite on the beach, went for a paddle, Soph fought a pirate and won, we won some tat from the 2p machines, went to the circus, spent a ton of money and overall had such an awesome time that we booked to go back again next year but this time we will be adding my brother, sister-in-law and their two kids into the mix … it’s going to be hectic and I can’t wait!

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One thing that I saw very clearly on this holiday though is that Sophie-Anne would really love to have a sibling. She was always looking for someone to play with and I felt rotten that we haven’t provided that for her – next year will be different as she will have her cousins to play with but I don’t think anything would beat her having a little brother or sister of her own. She dotes on her younger cousin so I know she’d be an awesome big sister and she always tells me that she’d like a sister – she doesn’t want a brother but she knows that she can’t pick and she told me she’d love him anyways – hopefully I’ll be able to get myself sorted and fill this little void she has while giving us the new family member that we crave too.

So now the holiday is out of the way we are gearing up for Soph starting back at school then there are a few birthdays and before we know it, it will be Christmas. Let the countdown begin!

Have a good one,

Deb xox

 

Square One

So a bit of history is probably the way to start this blog off. This could go on for a while so I’ll aim to keep it short and sweet.

My hubby and I met when I started temping at the company that he worked for. We started chatting, moved on to dating, bought a house together, got hitched in Vegas …

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Hitched in 2011 wearing a three piece suit and fully fitted dress in 40 degree heat. Awesome day and holiday!

and started to try for a baby.

Sadly the trying for a baby thing wasn’t as easy as we hoped it would be, my periods were all over the place, I wasn’t ovulating and it just wasn’t happening for us so we went to the doctor to see what was what. After a few tests I was diagnosed with “unexplained infertility” and sent to see a fertility specialist at the hospital. More tests were performed and the specialist I saw decided that I’d need Clomid and Provera to start our medically assisted baby making journey. I was prescribed a years worth of medication but when I went to the pharmacy to get my pills they refused to give them to me because of the length of the prescription.

We then headed back to our GP who assessed the matter, gave me a revised prescription for three months and told me to book another appointment for a couple of months down the line. The first month passed and I began to ovulate but we didn’t manage to conceive, the second month came and again, I ovulated but didn’t conceive. Now it was time to head back to the GP. He told me that as we hadn’t conceived that we were being referred to the IVF clinic and that I wasn’t to bother taking the last months worth of Clomid. My hubby and mum both told me to take the meds that I had left, so like the good wife and daughter (and bad patient) that I am, I took the tablets that I had left and attended my appointment with the IVF team.

At the appointment we were told that my hubby would need to provide a semen sample for analysis and that I’d need a HSG before we could progress so everything was booked in and the wait began. The day of the HSG test came and before the test could be run a pregnancy test would need to be done to make sure that I wasn’t pregnant as this test would not be administered if I was. Imagine our shock when the test came back positive! The last months worth of Clomid, some charting, OPK’s, Preseed and good ol’ nookie created our amazing, perfect little girl. She’s my everything and I love her more than I can explain.

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My squidgy dumpling getting her first ever cuddle as a newborn!

So why do you want another child? I hear you ask – well I always pictured myself having two or three kiddies and my daughter has also said that she would love a sister … a brother is acceptable and she’d love him just as much but a sister is her preference.

Fast forward to now and I am not ovulating again, I went back to a GP who referred me straight up to the hospital. I finally had a HSG done and all was well and after further testing my diagnosis of “unexplained infertility” morphed into “low ovarian reserve”. The specialist told me that she would be willing to provide me with Clomid and Provera again but only when I got my BMI down to 30 or less. I’m currently at 37 and need to lose around 45lbs. I have now been discharged from her care until I can manage my weight.

I’ve joined a gym and now use Boditrax to monitor my body but so far any fat that I have lost has been gained back in muscle.

I’ve since been back to the GP who has given me strict instructions to only focus on cardio even when I’ve been told that I need to build muscle to then burn more fat and to skip carbs after 6pm. I don’t know how well I’ll do on the cutting out of the carbs but I’ll definitely be calorie counting and portion controlling in an attempt to lose the weight that I need to and more.

So that’s where I’m at right now, lets see where I end up!