Random + Family + Me + Weight Loss = A Mess of A Post

So lets start with the random…

The hubby and I have been talking lately.

I have decided now, after thinking back over my pregnancy and labour (which I’m now convinced really wasn’t that bad at all) that I wouldn’t have minded having another go around if it was possible. If you’ve read my earlier posts you’ll know that we have struggled to conceive along the way but we have managed it and have been incredibly lucky to welcome two beautiful kids into our lives and family. This is two more than we thought we’d have at one point so for me to want more makes me feel incredibly greedy but I love my kids and would love nothing more than to have even more.

My hubby, on the other hand, doesn’t agree. He’s not really a fan of this “baby stage” where they have to depend on you for every single thing in their lives. He enjoys it when the personality starts to shine through and when they can hold a conversation and I guess, be a real person rather than a lump of flesh that cries, coos, drinks and poops.

I also know that he HATES the broken sleep and this is where we actually agree, even though Finn has been quite a good night sleeper and we could have definitely had it much worse!

So what do you do when you don’t agree on having more kids? Well we chatted through it and ended up thinking that we would really like to adopt later on in life when our kids are old enough to understand what adoption is and why we would like to do it and in the meantime … doggies! Not for a while as its hectic enough around here as it is, but later on down the line we would like to bring some four-legged companions into the mix.

Then the problem will be what dogs to get! I’m a fan of breeds like Great Danes, St. Bernards and Dogues de Bordeaux whereas Baz likes English Bull Terriers and Weimaraners. The problem with any of these breeds though, is that Baz has allergies and none of them are hypoallergenic dogs so he either opts for a breed that will be kinder to him, or gets any dog he falls in love with and suffers the consequence! But again, this is all for a later time.

On to the family…

Well Soph has come home from school today missing another tooth … And she then lost it … In the dinner hall! The tooth next to this one is wobbling too and I’m hoping so hard that she loses it before school photos come around on the 10th of next month. I reallllly want a picture of her with a huge happy-gappy grin so fingers crossed it will fall out soon!

Then on to me…

I have started going to college now one night a week to resit my GCSE Maths. I was so nervous about this as I’ve not studied in 18 years, I have zero self-confidence and I don’t do well with new people. That being said, right now I’m enjoying it!

The studying is coming as a bit of a break for me – I now get two and a half hours of “me time” a week and I have to admit, I love it. I mean I constantly worry about the hubby and kids when I’m out, but just doing something for me has proven to be quite freeing. It’s also given my confidence a boost, as right now, I understand what’s happening in class and I can do it, which is nice.

It also has me thinking “what’s next?” And questioning where I want to end up in the future. I’ve always thought that I’m not capable of much, but right now I think that I may want to go on to study a couple of A-levels and maybe even a degree so that I can possibly go into teaching later.

It also gives me a 2.7ish mile walk home which is helping with the weight loss which is the perfect segue too…

The weight loss…

So I weighed in this morning to find that I’d lost 2.2lbs! This shocked me as I felt like I’d eaten terribly throughout the week and I’ve actually felt sluggish and heavier in myself so to lose 2.2 is an excellent result for me this week. With that weight gone I’m so close to the half stone mark and I’m very excited to get there! Fingers crossed that will be done with next week and I can be firmly on the way to the stone mark!

So yeah, it’s a bit of a mash of stuff but that’s me all caught up for now. I will get better at posting regularly … I will! … Well I might … We’ll see 😕

Take care,

Deb xox

Hi-ho hi-ho…

It’s back to school she goes!

This six weeks holiday has been a bit of a dud for Soph. We managed that first week away but after that, we pretty much functioned around Finn.

As he’s been so bad with his gut – like screaming the fucking house down, our nerves are frazzled and tears have been cried kind of bad – we’ve felt quite restricted as to what we can do and how far we can go as we didn’t want him to suffer whilst we were out and about. That being said, we think we have him sorted now as he’s not seeming to struggle so much after a feed.

Milk and prune juice for breakfast 🤢

So after all the hanging around home and doting on her screeching little brother, I think that she was ready to get a break and a bit of time for herself back at school.

Soph has always loved school, she really enjoys learning new things and she has missed some of her friends and classmates so she was definitely keen to get back for the new year.

This year she started “real” school as she’s now in year one and for some reason that makes her seem so much more grown up! She came home with a brand spanking new reading diary, plenty of stories of what had happened that day and a massive smile on her face.

So excited for school!

Right now when you ask her what she wants to be when she grows up she will tell you that she wants to be a “stage girl”. Shes been obsessed since watching Annie and she’s always singing and dancing around the house.

As if someone was listening to her, we received a leaflet through the door about a theatre school called Razzamataz. They do all sorts of singing, dancing and theatre classes and they are having an open evening next week which I’ve booked her into.

I really hope that she enjoys it and if she does, I’ll get her booked into the class as I think it will be great for her. Learning new skills, gaining confidence, performance experience and making new friends is only going to help her as she grows and if she decides that she does want to pursue a career in the theatre when she’s older, I’ll do whatever I can to help her reach her goals and make her dreams come true.

I wonder what Finn will say he wants to be when he’s five?!?!

Sister and brother loves 😍🥰

I Shouldn’t Care … But I Do!

This is a bit of a pointless venting session for me to try to get my thoughts in order, and one that needs a bit of a back story to go with it, so I’ll rewind to when I was 13 as that is the first moment I remember everything in my life changing.

I had just turned onto our street on my walk home from school and I could hear shouting … I just knew that it was my younger brother. I ran to our house to open the door and found him being pinned to the living room wall by his neck by our dad. It turned out that my brother walked in on my dad chatting to other women online and that was the way my dad decided to deal with it.

Over the next couple of years there were lots of fights, shouting, threats and abuse, my brother and I learned to defend ourselves by giving back as good as we got and we hid it all from our mum until it all came crashing down when I was 15. My dad had one of the women that he had been chatting with coming over to the UK from Australia and whilst she was here, my mum found printed pictures of them together in her hotel room (why were they printed? Probably because he liked to show off his conquest to his friends!) and as you can imagine it all kicked off.

Fast forward a bit and he ran off to Australia to be with the new woman (they are no longer together and from what I understand he was violent towards her too) leaving us behind and my mum in a world of his debt – for all the negatives that came from it, we were happier as a three and my mum worked her arse off to be able to provide for us as he never helped in any way. I admire the hell out of my mum, she’s strong, determined and independent … she’s frackin’ awesome and I love her more than I can express.

It’s now nearly 20 years since he left and in that time my brother and I have both moved out, got married and started our own families with very little to no contact from him in that time, yet on the 26th of June, I received a message from my Auntie who had received a message from him. The message received read as follows…

“Hope you are well. Just heard that Deborah has had a baby boy, wasn’t told but I’m the bastard dad. I’m pretty upset at the moment, but I guess deserve that. I’m so glad your family is great, you deserve it girl I wish you all the happiness in the world, I do have a heart of gold, yes I’ve made mistake in life, but I’m hopefully of building bridges, I really miss you and Brian, you always come in my thoughts. I’ve been ill over the weekend and nearly fainted in the doctors, but thats life hey. I’ve tried to contacts us Deb and Simon. I’m really upset. but thats life hey.. I’m so happy for your family it amazes me good luck and you deserve the best xx” and then “can you send me pictues of the new baby”

At first I just shrugged it off but after stewing on it and reading over it again, I’ve started to feel increasingly pissed about it and here is why…

  • He’d just heard that I’d had a baby boy – yes I’ve had a baby boy but where was this message five and a half years ago when I’d had my baby girl? He was informed that I’d had her by his family members and he even ended up with a picture or two of her that he’d pilfered from someones Facebook account. Now I personally think that my daughter is awesome – she’s beautiful, sassy, smart and really caring so where was her message? What makes my son more important than my daughter? Is it because he’s a boy? No matter what, its pure bullshit as they are both his blood and I’m super pissed on her behalf.
  • He wasn’t told – well why would I tell him that I’m having a kid when I’ve not spoken to him in nearly two decades? Why would I have told his family members when they have all treated us as non-existent since he left?
  • He’s the bastard dad – It might sound harsh but, yeah! He was the one who beat his kids, called us names, spat on me, cheated on my mum, left her in a financial shit hole, threatened to force her to sell our house, made sure in the divorce that he would never have my mum see a penny from him including missed child support. It doesn’t stack up to him being dad of the year does it?
  • He has a heart of gold – see above!
  • He has made mistakes in life – damn right, yet my mum taught me that when you make a mistake, you apologise and try to better yourself. He has never once apologised to me, my brother or my mum for how he acted and treated us and I won’t be holding my breath that that will ever change.
  • He has been ill and nearly fainted – I don’t wish ill on the man but I do remember back to previous discussions with us when he first left where he always managed to tell us how he had been ill in some way. He was always a hypochondriac and none of his illnesses were ever proven. It just started to feel like he used the same line to try and garner sympathy. Sadly, my view on this has become tainted and now I struggle to believe or feel sympathy for him.
  • He has tried to contact me and my brother – Absolute crap! I recently received a friend request on Facebook but I don’t class that as trying to make contact. Trying includes effort, a click of a mouse is not effort. He could have sent a message through Facebook, he could have sent a letter to my mums house, he could have probably got a message to me at my address as his family are aware of where I live but no – he clicked a button and called it done.

So why am I letting this get to me now?

I struggled for a long time with abandonment and trust issues and I still find that I’m a little wary around some people now, my experience seems to have changed how I see people as I instantly threat assess them. I also put my hubby through quite a bit of shit at the start of our relationship because of my hang-ups, but over time that dissipated thanks to how my hubby treated me. Thinking on it now, I don’t feel upset like I used to so I don’t feel like this is a resurfacing abandonment issue – I truly feel like I’ve put that behind me, but when I think about it with regards to my kids I start to see red!

I hate that my kids don’t know their grandad as in an ideal world all would be well and they would, but at the same time, he has never chosen to make himself known to them. He has had five years to send a simple birthday or Christmas card for Soph, he’s had five years to send a Facebook message asking about her, yet that was never done. Even if he was around … I don’t and wouldn’t trust him. He was willing and able to hit his children with a fist and because of this I’d never trust him around my kids because he could do the same to them and I’d never forgive myself if that ever happened.

I hate that he has asked for my Auntie to send him pictures of the “new baby” Firstly, he’s putting her in an awkward situation but also, why does he want pictures of him? Why hasn’t he asked for pictures of them both? What does he want to do with them? Will he just flaunt them around making himself out to be Grandad of the year?

I find it all to be bizarre, the timing of it has offended me, the picking and choosing between my kids has angered me, the going through a third-party makes me feel that he’s being sly. Overall, I don’t like it and I think that this makes me feel even more secure in having him out of our lives.

So yeah, a bit of a vent but at the end of it all, I think that I have everything straight in my mind!

Summer Holiday Fun

Don’t you just hate when you go away and don’t take nearly as many pictures as you planned or hoped to? Normally, I’m crazy snap happy but this time, having an eight week old needing lots of attention and living my life in somewhat restricted four-hour cycles, I didn’t really manage it. I’m a little gutted that I don’t have more memories to look back on but we had a fantastic time together!

So right now, we always go on holiday to Butlins in Skegness. It’s not too far away from home so the kids can handle the journey, it’s by the beach and there are an insane amount of things to do there so Soph is always entertained and has a blast. As Butlins has turned into a sort of family tradition for us, so has me taking a picture on the beach of Soph and her daddy walking down towards the sea. I try to remember to take this picture every time we hit a beach as I find it a cute way to document how she grows. This year Finn is in the mix, not that you can see him, as he’s strapped to his daddies chest in a Baby Bjorn (which he now thinks is the best thing ever by the way!) so now I get to continue on and snap both of my kiddies grow up in this way, which I adore!

We had a fab time this year, we went swimming and took Finn in for his first ever dip too which he seemed to love, watched their Cinderella Rocks panto (which was really well done!), spent a ton of cash in the arcades winning very few prizes on the 2p machines, drank a ton of slushies, had a boogie, hit the beach and ate some lovely food. The time just seemed to melt away though and the week was over before we knew it but we have already booked to head back next year which I’m already counting down for!

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After a few days of chilling at home, Soph, Finn and I took a trip to Matlock Bath with my mum. We love it at Matlock, there are arcades (we emptied the 2p machines of keyrings!), loads of yummy treats in the various sweet shops, a couple of parks to play on, yummy food to munch, loads of motorbikes to look at as it’s a biker haven and some lovely little places to walk around – it’s not for everyone but I’ve been coming here since I was a kid and think I’ll always have a soft spot for it.

We are hoping to get to a couple more places over the school holidays but we will see if we manage it, even if we don’t we’ve had a fab time so far – I’m just really looking forward to Finn being a bit older so that he can join in and so that Soph isn’t so limited to what she can do!

Do you have a favourite place to holiday each year?

Happy summer holidays,

Deb xox

I’ve Got Mail!

Yesterday I received my first letter from one of my new pen pals complete with a cute snail mail drawing on the envelope. It’s amazing how something so simple can lift your mood!

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This letter was from the lovely Katie who it turns out I have quite a lot in common with – we both are around the same age, we are both married and both have kiddies so there could be plenty to talk about there at least.

As the letter continued it was also revealed that we are both on the larger side of life, both enjoy yoga when trying to rid ourselves of the excess and we are both working on full sleeve tattoos. We also have the same stationary … great minds and all that!

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The letter also included a couple of different tea bags which I thought was a lovely touch and it got me to thinking about what I could send in my letters. After a bit of thought and for something a little different, I decided on some cute sew on patches and fridge magnets – some people might see that as a little random but then that fits me quite well. Now I’ve just got to wait for them to be delivered!

What would you send in a letter?

Have a good one,

Deb xox

Possibly the Best Thing in the World Ever!

So the new school year is fast approaching and our little terror is off into F2. This means that she will have to go to school in the morning for full days rather than the short afternoon stints that she has been doing for the last year and a half.

Are we excited? Hell yes! She can’t wait and because she’s so excited, I can’t wait either. I actually thought I’d be a blubbering mess over her leaving me for the full day but I’m quite excited for myself now too as I’m going to have a crack at running a little craft business from home which is something that I have always wanted to do since my mum and dad had their own business some years back. I’m not overly optimistic but my hubby says to give it a go (I’m a lucky girl landing him!) and my mum’s keen on me having a go too so their belief in me is giving me a bit of nerve to have a go!

Anyways, back to the point of this post…

We have always been consistent with Sophie-Anne’s bedtime. She has always gone to bed at 8pm as we have tended to have later starts to the day and this way she gets to spend time with her daddy before bed. The problems that we have encountered with bedtime is her lack of sleeping through the night to the point where I’m having to end up in her bed with her as I’m knackered when she calls me in, her thinking that the first ray of sunshine through her window means that it’s morning which then leaves her dragging later in the day and her having a strict wake up time as we have kind of left her to wake whenever she’s ready in the past due to her stop/start sleeping through the night.

I was thinking through this with regards to the new school year and decided that some kind of alarm clock would be a good thing to get her used to so after a bit of research with his colleagues, we decided to grab a Gro-Clock. The RRP on these bad boys is £34.99 but they are currently selling for £19.99 which I originally thought was a bit steep for a kids alarm clock but as of now, I would have been happy to pay the full price!

After a few days of stupidity (me turning the alarm off, the hub setting the alarm to pm rather than am etc.) we finally got it all set up properly and since then Soph has slept through every night, woken at the alarm and turned it off herself ready to start the day at 7:30. I asked her what she liked about the clock and she told me…

“I like that it has an alarm, I like that Mr. Sun winks at me to say goodnight and I like to see the stars go away because then I know it will be morning time.”

As of right now, this thing is possibly the best thing that we have ever bought for her and I’m wondering why we didn’t have one sooner! She really understands what the clock is for and when she does wake in the night now she just takes a look at it, see’s that it’s still night-time and settles herself back down … it’s brilliant and I hope that this continues as the school prep and run will be a doddle at this rate.

So yeah, if you’re in the same situation and are thinking of an alarm clock for your little one to wake up to then I’d highly recommend this one – it may be pricier than some other options but it’s cute, it’s easy for kids to set and understand and has worked so much better than we ever expected it would for Soph. I’ve also had nearly a solid week of uninterrupted sleep so this thing is truly awesome in my opinion right now!

Have a good one,

Deb xox